Mrs. Garcia’s Surprise

Mrs. Garcia was a nice old lady. She was the baker for the little town of Dos Garcias, New Mexico. Sometimes she would bake more pretzels and pies than Dos Garcias could buy, so she’d have to eat them herself. Needless to say, her body was covered with rolls of bakery fat, and she had big tits that hung down like jello watermelons.

She had a big horno in her backyard—a large beehive-shaped oven made of adobe dirt. She’d fire up that mother every Tuesday morning, and every Tuesday afternoon, people would saunter over “to see Mrs. Garcia” and buy some baked goods. They’d gather around the oven and admire the aroma while she removed piles of pies, cookies, soda crackers, and rich loaves of whole-wheat bread with crackly butter crust.

But Mrs. Garcia was most famous for her surprise rolls. Every roll had a surprise in the center. During cherry season, you might find a cherry inside, or maybe a cherry pit. Come fall, maybe you’d find a pecan... shelled or unshelled, depending on her whim. Other rolls might contain pebbles or pennies or snail shells or tiny bones. You could never tell what Mrs. Garcia might put inside.

It got to be the custom that people who got married or decided to live together would buy one of Mrs. Garcia’s rolls and split it open to see what it had inside — like Chinese fortune cookies but more cryptic.

Once Buff bit into a roll that had a rimfire cartridge inside. “It’s a wonder it didn’t go off in the oven!” he said.